Random Thoughts at 2 am

there are many kinds of insecurities this brain explodes. I have many kinds of fears, thought about them: different genres of fears and what kind of reaction I show to such genres.

well, I’m not someone who is completely perfect or ethical or worthy. Think about it, you’re just one among 7B human beings on the planet. So, why do you wish to be the woman of substance? woman of influence and power? Is that what you truly wish for?

Yes. So, let’s set the argument in pace: I’m not someone who is completely perfect or ethical or worthy of being an inspiration to so many people. Also, I don’t see myself as someone who deserves to have so much power or influence. There’s a fear of not knowing exactly what ship I choose to sail on. There will be a need of validation.

But also, I want people to understand me deeper, know me better. But then, there’s fear of “What would I do if I fall from that ship of faith?“ Second fear.

There’s also this fear of how well I am taking care of myself.

A young person living the life of slavery to giant systems.

A name, Sujata Lama, how much am I fulfilling it as a person.

A daughter, a sister, a friend or even an enemy.

Aside from money, fame, career and family or be a sense of calling

what do I really have?

When I would have all these things, will all other things start to feel valuable?

But right now, I don’t have any possessions: neither money, nor fame, no direction of career

That may be why, I am finding them special and precious

But one day, if I have them, will I still be the same person that I say I am? Would I feel perfect or ethical or worthy?

This is the repetition of that cycle: have or have nots. wishes and regrets. modesty and pride. selfish and selfless. strength and weakness.

So, there’s another fear that builds up continuously. Whether I’m faithfully living the story of my life to the fullest? Am I balancing the persona of me with the actual person I am that lies underneath?

Great questions with profound exploration that’ll take a lifetime to unravel and answer.

Lama 2020